Biography: Jill – A Love Story

Posted on November 16, 2011 by benfraley

It all started in a math class that we had together in middle school; I have a vague memory of her sitting across the room from me. But we didn’t really get to know each other until our senior year of high school. We started out as having a few mutual friends. I was in orchestra, playing the violin, and she was in band, playing the flute. We had a few mutual friends, so we saw each other often.

One way or the other, I ended up being Jill’s chemistry tutor (which, looking back, is kind of amazing, because I really did poorly in chemistry in college, and it’s a subject I really have no interest in. I guess it must have been a little more interesting in high school). We also had an economic class, so we were seeing more and more of each other. One of the first things I really noticed about Jill was how fun she was to be around. She had one of the greatest smiles, and a great laugh. It was hard not to have a fun time when she was around (all of these things are still true today, and more so!). All our study groups usually ended up in a bunch of kids laughing and having a good time, but somehow still managing to get some studying done.

One night, after a basketball or football game, I believe, our high school held a little dance that a lot of our friends were going to, so it ended up that we were both there, but without anyone to dance with. One way or the other, we ended up spending the evening dancing around with each other, purposely bumping into other couples, and laughing it up. For me, that was when I really fell for her. We didn’t start officially dating until December 1, 1998, but we kind of played “cat and mouse” with each other for awhile before that. I asked her out a few times, and she actually turned me down! She had her reasons, but eventually I wore her down :)

We dated all the way through our senior year and through college. But there were some bumps in the road. Jill went away for college in Minnesota, and I stayed in Indiana to go to Purdue. I remember that before she left, we went to get a bite to eat, and she gave me a letter she had written, listing all the reasons why we should break up before she left for college. I must have presented a good counter-argument though, and we decided to give a long-distance relationship a try.

This was a rough stretch for Jill and I. I was a much, much different person back then. The biggest difference being was that I wasn’t a Christian until our junior year of college, and I lived a much different lifestyle than Jill. I partied, played Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft and EverQuest, stayed up really late and woke up around noon. I was a pretty poor student during my college year, something I really regret. Jill, on the flip side, went to a Bible college, and was a very good student. We broke up a few times, each time being my fault.

But, I remember, after having become a Christian, Jill was in town, and we had been broken up for a few months. This was during our junior year of college, so we had been together, off and on, for over 3 years. I was still in love with her, but I didn’t think she was in love with me anymore, so I felt I had to move on. But I felt obligated to tell her this. So we met in the parking lot of a church close to her home. I remember us both sitting in my car, and Jill had gotten her wisdom teeth out recently, so she was still recovering from that. I explained my feelings to her, and, much to my surprise, she still loved me and wanted to get back together!

Well, it wasn’t long after this that we started discussing getting married, an idea that we were both much in favor of! It happened at the time that I was working at a jewelry store, so Jill and I decided to go ring-shopping. Jill actually picked out her wedding ring, though I don’t think she knew it at the time. I could not wait to marry this wonderful woman! I bough the ring shortly after and, of course, showed it off to my family and friends. I surprised her one night after she had driven back home from Minnesota and asked her to marry me, to which she replied through tears, “I’m going to throw up!”

We were married after Jill graduated from college and moved back to Indiana. I still had a semester of college left (I had started my college studies in computer engineering. It took me one semester to figure out I didn’t want anything to do with that, and switched my major to computer programming). We were married July 27, 2002, at Bethel Church in Crown Point, Indiana. Jill’s cousin videotaped the ceremony and my father copied it to DVD, a fact I’m very glad for. I just watched it again with our daughter just a few weeks before writing this!

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Biography: Some Early Memories

Posted on November 10, 2011 by benfraley

The first thing I can remember is rolling down the stairs in my excersaucer when I was less than 1 year old. I remember rolling down the last couple of stairs, looking out the door to the garage, and crying.  And while you might think that sets up a rough childhood, it’s really one of the only bad memories I carry with me about being a kid.

I remember pulling up in our driveway when I was around 3 or 4, and my mom was telling me how to spell “cat“.  My sister was holding our first cat in her arms at the top of the stairs.  Turned out to be first of many.  At one time in our house we had nine cats!  Being a father now, I’m unsure of how my dad put up with that many animals at one time (we also had a hamster).  One cat is enough for me now.  But my father must have really enjoyed watching us interact with them though.  I spent a lot of time in the living room, spinning around with a mouse-toy on a string, the cats all leaping up around me.  Very fun :) My dad called it a “cat ballet”. Good times.

(I have a couple more cat stories. Bear with me.)

The cats seemed to really like me, for whatever reason.  One day I remember going into my room and finding a dead mole on my bed.

They also enjoyed the time that my dad and I gave them a chicken leg from KFC.  You’d think that all the cats would have at it, but only my cat, Smokey, got to it.  She growled at any other cat that got near her while she was eating, and all the other cats stood back until she was done.  Was pretty impressed, because she had never acted like that before.

(As I’m writing this, my wife is petitioning me for another kitten.)

My mom told me that I used to play on a computer when I was very young, and that when it was taken away I would cry, “My ‘puter! My ‘puter!”  Apparently my love of technology goes back earlier than I remember. :) My first recollection of any kind of technology was playing a chess game on a computer that took cartridges.  Later we owned an Atari, and played that quite a bit as well.  I wasn’t the kind of kid who ran around outdoors a lot growing up.  I preferred to stay inside and figure out the latest video game.  When the first Nintendo came out, I remember staying inside at a friend’s house to play Mario Brothers while the other kids were outside playing tag or something.  Nowadays, I can watch a video on Youtube on how to beat that game in less that 5 minutes.  Crazy.  7-year  old me would probably get a kick that 31-year old me still enjoys the occasional video game.  Overall, they’ve been a pretty good hobby.

The first thing I can remember is rolling down the stairs in my excersaucer when I was like 1-2 years old. I remember rolling down the last couple of stairs, looking out the door to the garage, and crying.  And while you might think that sets up a rough childhood, it’s really one of the only bad memories I carry with me about being a kid.
I remember saThe first thing I can remember is rolling down the stairs in my excersaucer when I was like 1-2 years old. I remember rolling down the last couple of stairs, looking out the door to the garage, and crying.  And while you might think that sets up a rough childhood, it’s really one of the only bad memories I carry with me about being a kid.
I remember sa


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Genealogies and Biographies

Posted on November 7, 2011 by benfraley
Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United St...

Image via Wikipedia

Albert Einstein

Image via Wikipedia

Wow, haven’t written anything in awhile. Well, let’s fix that.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot.  I’ve gotten onto amazon.com and have done a bit more reading.  My current read is a book called “The Discipline of Grace” by Jerry Bridges.  It’s a very thought-provoking read about God’s grace to us and what our responsibility is towards Him.  Right now, I’m midway through chapter 7, really enjoying it.  I’m also working on “Theodore Rex“, the second book in Edmund Morris‘ series on Theodore Roosevelt.  It about his time as president.  I find Theodore Roosevelt a very inspiring person.  The way he saw things and acted upon them is different than any other person I’ve ever read about.  He seemed to just grab life by the throat and bend it to his will.  I can’t imagine what a president like him would be like these days.  Imagine if Obama kept a pistol on himself at all times? Or had a pet badger running through the White House? Unbelievable guy.  It’s a shame that he couldn’t be around now to interview or something, but I feel like I’m getting to know him through the biographies I’m reading about him.  Albert Einstein’s biography by Walter Isaacson (the same guy who wrote Steve Jobs‘ biography) was a great read as well.  Really got into his mind on how he saw the world and his   Which kinda brings me to my next thought…

My father has been doing a lot of genealogy lately on ancestry.com.  He’s traced our family way back, I think all the way back to when our family came to America from Germany, well before the Civil War (he told me we’re somehow related to Abraham Lincoln; pretty nifty).  I even ran into another “Fraley” in a store the other day, who it seemed that I was related to as we got to talking, and he claimed that our family had bought some land from Davy Crockett!  So many cool stories, all lost to the passage of time.

Got me thinking: will that be the same with all of my stories? My kids will surely remember me (I’ll see to that), but what about their kids? Or their kids’ kids?  Will the story of my life simply be forgotten as time goes on?

All my father has of our predecessors are some papers handed down from generation to generation, some death certificates, some pictures of tombstones.  He interviewed my great-grandmother awhile back, so he got a lot of good information there.  But it’s all bits and pieces.  Imagine if he had the whole story…

But we live in a different age now.  So, I think a project I want to undertake it to start writing my own biography.  I imagine I’ll change a lot as I get older, and I’d like my children to get an idea of who I am now, some of my stories, memories, thoughts on various topics, etc.  Some of it I’ll post here, some of it I’ll keep private.  But I want to make sure that my descendants are able to look me up one day and get a good idea of who I was.  I image I’ll start out as a kind of categorized reverse-journal.  I’ll keep it topical (early memories, how Jill and I met, family life, etc) and probably go way off into tangents.  But it’ll be fun to look back a little.


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My Time with Chrome OS So Far

Posted on January 13, 2011 by benfraley

So, about 3-4 weeks ago I was lucky enough to receive one of Google’s CR-48 netbooks with Chrome OS installed on it.  When I filled out the form, I posted that I was a web developer, and that I’d like to test if Chrome OS would be a possibility for me to use as my main web development platform.  So, if you know anything about Chrome OS, you can probably imagine my disappointment when I found that, basically, it’s just the Chrome web browser.  There are a few more features that the web browser lacks, such as user management, managing your wi-fi network, and a few other things, but for the most part, it’s just a web browser.

And for the most part, that’s fine.

Why?  Because it’s very good at being just a machine with a web browser.  It boots up incredibly fast (5-10 seconds to the login prompt), and shuts quickly as well.  So, within about 15 seconds, you’re on the web.

Sweet.

Also, the trackpad gestures are surprisingly good.  I didn’t think I would like these, but it really makes sense.  You can use two fingers for scrolling and right-clicking, though the right-click doesn’t always work the first time.  Not a big deal, I find that I don’t really right click that much when using it. Maybe they’ll make this easier to use or maybe assign it to a different gesture.  Also, the whole trackpad is a button, so you can use that to drag the mouse pointer across things if needed.

Also, the netbook itself is very light.  Maybe not iPad-light, but it has an actual keyboard with actual keys; like most things in life, there’s trade-offs.  More than light enough to carry around  to your favorite wi-fi hotspot (mine is Buffalo Wild Wings, strangely enough).

So, if you’re a big fan of Chrome (and you should be. It’s really a great browser), you’ll inheritly be a big fan of Chrome OS.

More to come when the next update comes through.

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The Pantheon of Bad Things To Say To Pregnant Women

Posted on November 29, 2010 by benfraley

* taken from life experiences, random stories, and personal experience

There exists in a life a very sticky situation:  you’re out and about on a normal day, and a woman that you may or may not know looks to be with child.  Perhaps great with child.  One way or another, you are put into a situation in which you need to speak with that person.  But what do you say?  The obvious choice is to ask her about her pregnancy.  However, this can lead to a whole host of foot-in-the-mouth situations, leading to anger and brutality directed towards you and your house.

But how can you avoid this situation?

Glad you asked.  I’m here to help.  And to do so, I introduce “The Pantheon of Bad Things to Say To Pregnant Women”.  We’ll start at a safe level, moving to worse and worse things to say.

Level 1: Safety Zone – I go to a church were there are typically 10-20 people who I know at any one time who are pregnant.  So, this situation tends to come up a lot for me.  As such, I’ve put a lot of thought into what I believe to be the safest possible thing to say:

Nothing.

Say.  Nothing.

Pretend she’s not pregnant.  Talk about the weather.  Talk about a book you’re reading.  Anything you have to do to not mention her pregnancy.  Avoid at all costs.

Why is this the best method? Well, let me ask you this: would you knowingly walk through a minefield? Guarded by machine gun turrets? With a moat? That’s filled with sharks? That have lazer beam… ok let’s move on.  No. You would do anything you could to go around.  And that’s what you’re walking into, in a figurative sense.  There are so many pitfalls here.  The main being the response of “I’m not pregnant.”  If this happens, you may as well just jump into a volcano. You’re done.

But, if you must bring up the pregnancy, perhaps this next level of the pantheon is for you…

Level 2: The Frying Pan

There are only two situations in which it’s OK to move past level 1, in my opinion.

1)  You know she’s pregnant.  Not 99% sure.  You KNOW. Either your wife, her husband, someone nearby, etc, has specifically told you that she is pregnant.  Recently.

2)  She brought it up.

However, this does not mean you can say whatever you want.  I would let her take the lead here.  If she makes a joke, you can laugh.  However, do NOT make a joke of your own.  Even if you’re Brian Regan or Jim Gaffigan, this is not where you want to go.  Why? There is just no accounting for the emotional state of a woman while being pregnant.  Her hormones are through the roof.  She’s probably exhausted.  There are physical things happening that, for a man, you have no concept of (Trust me.  You can read about it if you want, but you probably don’t.  Go to a lamaze class for 5-10 minutes).

So what can you say safely? Glad you asked.

Things you can say:

1) “How are you feeling?” (or some spin-off) “You look beautiful!” (husbands and other women only) “God bless you!” (women only)

Why it’s safe: Women like empathy, even more so when they’re pregnant.  This is a good opportunity to show her some empathy.

Why it’s not safe: She probably doesn’t want empathy from you unless she knows you.  And even then, she may or may not want to talk about it anyways.

Level 3: Getting a little crispy

You’ve decided to make a joke.  Bad idea.

Why? Because it’s very unlikely that you’re funny.  Only 30-40% of people or less can be funny in any situation.  It’s a fact.  And this is not the situation to test those waters.

Common Attempts: “Is that a watermelon?” “Are you sure it’s not twins?” (devastatingly bad) “You’re like a turkey!”

Why They’re Bad: Basically, what you want to avoid at all costs (ALL COSTS.  I mean it.) are any reference to the woman’s increased size due to having to support another human being(s) that are growing inside of her.  And any joke that you attempt here is going to reference that.  You can’t avoid it.  So don’t try.

Level 4: Into the fire

You never want to go here. This is the point of no return.  And by that, I mean “you’ll never talk to this person again without a massive, massive apology”.  Basically, you’ve tried to make a joke, and you’ve mentioned the woman’s increased size to due to bringing another human being(s) into this world.  Directly.  Not a reference.  Direct. Mention. Of. Size.

Common Mistakes: “Whoa” “You’re so tiny. You’re going to eat like a lion and blow up like a whale!” “Whoa, what happened?!?!” “Here comes the fat lady!” “How much do you have left? / ‘___ months’ / You must mean ___ days”

Please, if you are thinking of saying something like this, do yourself a favor and just walk away.  Just say, “Excuse me for a second,” then don’t return. Say you need to go to the bathroom.  Say you left the oven on.  Just get out of there. You’re not going to do well in this situation.

Hope this helps some people out.  Remember, the pantheon is not Super Mario Brothers; you want to STAY at level 1.

Other ideas for the pantheon?  Post them in the comments below!

Don’t think I’m funny? Well, at least I made my wife (who isn’t currently pregnant) laugh. ;)

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Looking Back

Posted on June 7, 2010 by benfraley

I’m not really the kind of person who likes to look back at things, but, I found myself driving to Menard’s at 9pm tonight, and I really felt like I needed some prayer time.

(Oh, sorry, I should have warned you.  This is going to be a little more of a spiritual post.  If that’s not your thing, you might want to move on.  I won’t be offended.)

I’ve written previously about being bitter, and over the past could days I think I realized there was a bit of that still clanging around.  And I was ready to let it go.  So, without going into too much detail, I let it go.  It’s been too long, after all.  But, I wish I had realized the real problem at hand.  It wasn’t about who wronged me or who did this or who did that; it was me.  I was the problem.  And the problem was was while I was upset about who had sinned against me, I didn’t think about who I was sinning against.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Eph 4:31

If I had really thought it through, maybe I would have realized that whatever happened or whoever sinned against me, I was sinning against God.  You know, the Creator of the Universe, the guy who made me, loves me, takes care of me. All of that.  I think I just got too comfortable with forgiveness.  “Oh yeah, I’m in sin, but God will forgive me.” Stupid.  What a stupid thought.  I wouldn’t treat anyone else like that, but when it comes to the most important person, it’s not a problem.  I wish I had realized who I was up against.

I was talking with my wife when I got home and she related a story she heard at church about how we’re all carrying bricks (I’m going to butcher this story; I’ll keep it brief) and how we need to lay them at the cross.  I thought for a second and said, “It sounds so easy when someone else says it, but when it comes down to it, it’s really hard to do. And then, after awhile, you get used to having the brick with you, and you get attached to it, and soon you don’t even realize it’s there, though it weighs you down.”  I knew I was holding on too long, but I just got used to it, too comfortable, much to my detriment.

The other thing my wife said was, “Why were you surprised?  1 Peter says that we’ll have trials in our life.”  My wife, she’s one smart cookie.  I SHOULD have realized that.  I had had a pretty good run, so I should have thought, “You know, statistically speaking (that’s how I think, I’m a huge nerd, I know), I’m due for some bad times.  So get ready.”  But I didn’t.

So, I wish in some ways that I could finish this blog post, then send it back in time to myself about two years ago.  But then that would cause some kind of alternate reality where I probably crash on some freaky island, then end up having to protect that island.  The truth of the matter is that things have turned out really well, and I’m happy with where my life is right now.  God was faithful to me, even though I was undeserving.  Time to look forward.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

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What’s your next move?

Posted on January 23, 2010 by benfraley

We stayed up late last night to watch Conan O’brien‘s last show.  I can’t help but to feel bad for the guy. You can tell that he really wanted to host the Tonight Show for a long, long time.  He deserved it, too.  He’s funny, talented, and does a good interview.  NBC really didn’t do him or Leno any favors having them both host shows around the same time.  And sure, he got a nice (REALLY nice) severance package of $37million, but, then again, if you already had a LOT of money (I believe Conan was making $10million per year, how much more money would it take for you to walk away from your dream?  Here’s the video of his farewell speech, very touching:

The last part is especially true.  If you’re kind, and work hard, amazing things will happen.  I feel very blessed in my life, and God has been very good to me. I have a wonderful wife, an amazing daughter, and a son on the way, not to mention a wonderful family and great friends.  I work at a job I really enjoy, which pays our bills and puts food on the table.  There’s not much more I could ask for.

But, what if the rug were pulled out from under me? What would my next move be?  I’ve always been the kind of person who looks ahead, which is probably why I enjoy strategy games.  Nothing better than planning out your moves, adapting your plan to the situation, and triumphing in the end.

So, what’s the next move?  I’ve got some ideas…

What’s your next move?

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Actors Who Actually Act: Ed Norton

Posted on January 10, 2010 by benfraley

Dear Ed Norton,

You’re awesome. Out of all the actors in Hollywood, you’re either 1a or 1b on my list.  Let’s just say you’re 1a (1b is another post).  Every movie you’ve been in is about 1000 times better than what it should have been.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen a bad movie in which you appear. I was a little weary of Keeping the Faith, but after 5-10 minutes I was hooked. Here’s how I imagine the conversation went between two producers pitching Incredible Hulk:

“Remake Incredible Hulk? I don’t know.  It was already done like a year ago…”

“We have Ed Norton.”

“Done Deal.”

But, I believe I have found your secret: you can actually act. I know this seems redundant, but that’s actually hard to come by these days.  For instance, Nic Cage, Vince Vaughn, and Jennifer Aniston don’t actually act.  They just show up for a movie, say some lines, and are generally just themselves. In every movie.  Over. And. Over. For some reason people consider them actors/actresses.  The reason baffles me.  But I digress. You actually act.  You take a character, and actually change yourself into that character. And you’re awesome at it.  How you’re not the most wanted actor in Hollywood is a travesty. Or, maybe you are, but you reject all the horrible movies people throw at you.  That seems more likely. I bet you passed on The Tooth Fairy.  Yeah, you passed.  Nice job by you. Probably weren’t interested in Couples’ Retreat. Well done.  And you probably lit the script of Old Dogs on fire.

In short, keep being awesome.

Truthfully yours,

Ben

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Correction

Posted on January 10, 2010 by benfraley

Yeah… maybe… not sure I want to…

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’  The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

Matthew 18:21-35

OK, good point… not sure I’m there yet…

“Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’?”

Matthew 9:5

…

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Mark 11:25

Forgot about that one…

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Colossians 3:12-14

Hard to argue that when I’ve been forgiven so much. OK then…

…

…

…

(deep breath)

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Reflections, Regrets, Rhymes and Reasons

Posted on October 19, 2009 by benfraley

This song really got to me today:

It’s an old John Denver song. I must have heard it at least 1,000,000 times over the course of my life, as my dad is a huge John Denver fan, and I’ve enjoyed his music immensely as well.  I’m not sure of the exact circumstances of his writing it (he said that he wrote it in the shower), but I like to imagine that it’s his imagined (or maybe inspired, who knows) response from God after praying about some bad things that had been going on in his life,  his struggles with his faith, and questioning God’s plan for his life. Here’s the lyrics to the first half of the song:

So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter
Fear that is within you now
It seems to never end
And the dreams that have escaped you
And the hope that you’ve forgotten
You tell me that you need me now
You want to be my friend

And you wonder where were going
Where’s the rhyme and where’s the reason
And its you who cannot accept
It is here we must begin
To seek the wisdom of the children
And the graceful way of flowers in the wind

For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Could clear a cloudy day

Like the music of the mountains
And the colours of the rainbow
Theyre a promise of the future
And a blessing for today

About a year ago, I had some really bad things happen to me and my family.  Not all job-loss-related, looking back that was a blessing, though at the time it was difficult.  There were other, bigger, things that happened.  The details of which aren’t that important.  The real tragedy of the situation was my response to all of it happening.  All of the things happening at once left me feeling betrayed, bitter, angry, and other negative emotions. And, up until recently, I wasn’t dealing with the problem.  Instead, I reveled in my bitterness, and let the wounds fester. I struggled with my faith when I should have let God in. I withdrew myself from those who cared about me.  So, when I was listening to this song this afternoon, I really felt like it was speaking to me.  I felt as though I had prayed a lot of prayers questioning God’s plan for my life and why certain things worked out the way they did.

Recently though, I’ve been taking steps to reduce and eliminate my bitterness, and be more open about things. In retrospect, this should have come sooner. Much sooner.  The bitterness and anger I felt only hurt myself and my relationships with others.

So, hopefully this can be a cautionary tale for someone. Don’t let your wounds infect the rest of your body. Seek healing. Don’t be bitter. Seek wisdom.

The last part of the song really helped lead me in the right direction:

And its you who cannot accept (it’s always me that changes, never God)
It is here we must begin (like, right now!)
To seek the wisdom of the children (what’s great about my daughter is that she trusts her father. How much more we can and should trust our Heavenly Father!)
And the graceful way of flowers in the wind (God takes care of the flowers, He’ll take care of you)

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