* taken from life experiences, random stories, and personal experience

There exists in a life a very sticky situation:  you’re out and about on a normal day, and a woman that you may or may not know looks to be with child.  Perhaps great with child.  One way or another, you are put into a situation in which you need to speak with that person.  But what do you say?  The obvious choice is to ask her about her pregnancy.  However, this can lead to a whole host of foot-in-the-mouth situations, leading to anger and brutality directed towards you and your house.

But how can you avoid this situation?

Glad you asked.  I’m here to help.  And to do so, I introduce “The Pantheon of Bad Things to Say To Pregnant Women”.  We’ll start at a safe level, moving to worse and worse things to say.

Level 1: Safety Zone – I go to a church were there are typically 10-20 people who I know at any one time who are pregnant.  So, this situation tends to come up a lot for me.  As such, I’ve put a lot of thought into what I believe to be the safest possible thing to say:

Nothing.

Say.  Nothing.

Pretend she’s not pregnant.  Talk about the weather.  Talk about a book you’re reading.  Anything you have to do to not mention her pregnancy.  Avoid at all costs.

Why is this the best method? Well, let me ask you this: would you knowingly walk through a minefield? Guarded by machine gun turrets? With a moat? That’s filled with sharks? That have lazer beam… ok let’s move on.  No. You would do anything you could to go around.  And that’s what you’re walking into, in a figurative sense.  There are so many pitfalls here.  The main being the response of “I’m not pregnant.”  If this happens, you may as well just jump into a volcano. You’re done.

But, if you must bring up the pregnancy, perhaps this next level of the pantheon is for you…

Level 2: The Frying Pan

There are only two situations in which it’s OK to move past level 1, in my opinion.

1)  You know she’s pregnant.  Not 99% sure.  You KNOW. Either your wife, her husband, someone nearby, etc, has specifically told you that she is pregnant.  Recently.

2)  She brought it up.

However, this does not mean you can say whatever you want.  I would let her take the lead here.  If she makes a joke, you can laugh.  However, do NOT make a joke of your own.  Even if you’re Brian Regan or Jim Gaffigan, this is not where you want to go.  Why? There is just no accounting for the emotional state of a woman while being pregnant.  Her hormones are through the roof.  She’s probably exhausted.  There are physical things happening that, for a man, you have no concept of (Trust me.  You can read about it if you want, but you probably don’t.  Go to a lamaze class for 5-10 minutes).

So what can you say safely? Glad you asked.

Things you can say:

1) “How are you feeling?” (or some spin-off) “You look beautiful!” (husbands and other women only) “God bless you!” (women only)

Why it’s safe: Women like empathy, even more so when they’re pregnant.  This is a good opportunity to show her some empathy.

Why it’s not safe: She probably doesn’t want empathy from you unless she knows you.  And even then, she may or may not want to talk about it anyways.

Level 3: Getting a little crispy

You’ve decided to make a joke.  Bad idea.

Why? Because it’s very unlikely that you’re funny.  Only 30-40% of people or less can be funny in any situation.  It’s a fact.  And this is not the situation to test those waters.

Common Attempts: “Is that a watermelon?” “Are you sure it’s not twins?” (devastatingly bad) “You’re like a turkey!”

Why They’re Bad: Basically, what you want to avoid at all costs (ALL COSTS.  I mean it.) are any reference to the woman’s increased size due to having to support another human being(s) that are growing inside of her.  And any joke that you attempt here is going to reference that.  You can’t avoid it.  So don’t try.

Level 4: Into the fire

You never want to go here. This is the point of no return.  And by that, I mean “you’ll never talk to this person again without a massive, massive apology”.  Basically, you’ve tried to make a joke, and you’ve mentioned the woman’s increased size to due to bringing another human being(s) into this world.  Directly.  Not a reference.  Direct. Mention. Of. Size.

Common Mistakes: “Whoa” “You’re so tiny. You’re going to eat like a lion and blow up like a whale!” “Whoa, what happened?!?!” “Here comes the fat lady!” “How much do you have left? / ‘___ months’ / You must mean ___ days”

Please, if you are thinking of saying something like this, do yourself a favor and just walk away.  Just say, “Excuse me for a second,” then don’t return. Say you need to go to the bathroom.  Say you left the oven on.  Just get out of there. You’re not going to do well in this situation.

Hope this helps some people out.  Remember, the pantheon is not Super Mario Brothers; you want to STAY at level 1.

Other ideas for the pantheon?  Post them in the comments below!

Don’t think I’m funny? Well, at least I made my wife (who isn’t currently pregnant) laugh. ;)